


Skinny Love

by VelvetCandy



Series: Skinny Love [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angry Sex, Angst, Complete, Drunk Sex, M/M, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-13 21:59:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4538949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VelvetCandy/pseuds/VelvetCandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has been in love with Phil for just about a year now and doesn't realize Phil feels the same. Just as Phil loves Dan, both are too scared and shy to admit to to each other. As things seem to get better, Phil meets a girl named Cat and starts dating her. Dan will either swallow his feelings or confess them and risk losing his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was originally posted on wattpad but I thought that I might as well post it on here too! This is my first phanfic and it may be a little rough around the edges but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

**~Dan~**

The sun shined through the curtains directly into my eyes which is surprising since it was was December in London. Checking the clock, I saw it read 8 am. Recently I had been waking up earlier in the morning. I don't know why, but I didn't mind because then I didn't keep Phil waiting for breakfast. I slumped out of bed, put on a shirt, and went to the kitchen where I started to make cereal for my flatmate.

Phil and I met when I was 18 and we've been best friends ever since. Living together is truly amazing as we make each other laugh and do typical friend things. Not to mention I absolutely slaughter him at Mario Kart. We can be serious, though. We've both hit rough patches and we were there for each other. Back when Phil was more popular on YouTube, I supported him and he supports me now. Phil Lester is a ray of sunshine I can never compete with; he is quite literally a golden puppy too good for the world. And I think that is why I fell in love with him.

I didn't know I was gay until I turned 18 when I got drunk and slept with another guy. Then everything just fell into place. The nervousness around girls, the lack of attraction, the indifference to dating. It was all because I was looking at the wrong sex, but now I know better. For the record, I didn't plan on falling in love with Phil; it just sort of happened. I'll admit that when I was a fan of his I did have a tiny crush on him, but then again all his viewers did. As I got to know him better, I realized just how amazing he was. He is so pure and good, he's unlike anyone I've ever seen. Yet another reason why he has me smitten.

I discovered my love for him only a year ago, and it's been torture. I want to shout at him how much he means to me, and sometimes when I drink I'll pretend I'm drunk and tell him how much I care. He just laughs though, just a loving friend being drunk. I could never tell him how I truly feel because it would ruin everything; our friendship and our way of life. Not to mention he's straight and I'm way too shy to talk to him about that sort of junk.I was just thinking about the day we met when Phil walked out of his room in fuzzy cookie monster pyjamas bottoms rubbing his eyes and stretching.

"Good morning." He yawned.

"Morning." I chuckled. _God, he's so cute._

Phil sat down on the couch and motioned for me to bring him his cereal like the king he thinks he his and I sat down beside him.

"So are we going to watch some Tokyo Ghoul this morning? Or how about SAO?" I asked whilst shoveling food into my mouth. I figured he probably couldn't understand me when he spoke up softly.

"I just want to eat, thanks." He whispered. I placed my bowl on the coffee table.

"Is something wrong, Phil?"

"No, it's nothing. I'm just- not in the mood for anime."

"Oh, okay." I replied. He was acting very odd, even more than usual. I elected to ignore it and stood up from the couch. "Do you want to go into town today? I'm craving some Starbucks right now." I asked.

"Yeah sure, just give me a few minutes to finish eating and get ready." Phil responded. He seemed distant almost as if something important was on his mind. _I'll ask him later today if he keeps it up. Maybe it's just a mood._

"Alrighty." With that I bounded into my bedroom finding the blackest clothes I could and threw them on, also straightening my hair and later brushing my teeth. When I finished, I found Phil all ready and waiting in the living room to leave. I grabbed my phone and wallet and we headed out the door into town, ready for a day in public for once.


	2. Chapter 2

**~Phil~**

Sometimes I really hate dreams. You go your life thinking one way when all of the sudden _BAM!_ Everything is changed. That's what happened to me, at least. Technically I started liking Dan about six months ago, but I denied my feelings. All the butterflies I felt in my stomach were just nerves, I told myself. But when I started having dreams, I knew I couldn't ignore my emotions any longer.

The first dream happened Monday of this week and it surprised me what my subconscious came up with. Most of the dreams were dirty, Dan getting out of the shower, Dan kissing me all over, Dan letting me do _things_ to him. This time, however, was something else. In my dream, Dan confessed that he loved me. I was so happy and I told him I felt the same. It felt so real, but unfortunately it wasn't.

When I woke up, I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with Dan Howell. I could never tell him how I feel; he was as straight as a ramp. Mr. "FYI I like vagina". It's almost like he's teasing me with it. I had known that I was bisexual my whole life, I guess. My mum never said anything when I told her I had a crush on a boy in my class in grade-school. She was always supportive of me.

It felt weird to be around Dan now. The wet dreams were physically bad, as in awkward boners when he does something similar to Dream-Dan. But after the love one, I felt crushed. I knew things could never be like that so I felt sad whenever real Dan smiled at me. He's so beautiful and he doesn't even know it.

"Do you want to go into town today? I'm craving some Starbucks right now." Dan asked. I shook myself from my state of mind which was currently the love dream when I responded,

"Yeah sure, just give me a few minutes to finish eating and get ready." "Alrighty." He smiled. I bounded off to his room and I got a perfect view of his even more perfect arse. _Snap out of it, Phil! Don't chase what you can't have._ I shook my head in sadness again and finished my bowl of cereal. Then I changed into actual clothes and waited for Dan in the lounge. Wearing his usual black skinny jeans and black t-shirt, he looked exactly like himself. _Please never change._ I thought to myself. With that, we left our flat and headed downtown.


	3. Chapter 3

**~Dan~**

Phil and I walked down the crowded streets of London in the frigid winter air pointing out all of the fairy lights we saw, some were shaped as knobs we discovered. We laughed just as usual, but Phil still seemed distant. _Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Is he upset with me?_ I tried to rid myself of those thoughts. Phil would never be mad at me for no reason.

"Look Dan, it's you."

"What?"

"Look." Phil pointed in the shop window at a cardboard cut out of the Pepe frog.

"Well, I am a meme loving fuck." I laughed.

Phil responded to my comment with a toothy grin; the one where he pokes his tongue out of his mouth. _Oh God he's so damn cute._ Right then and there I wanted to grab hold of his perfect face and kiss the shit out of him, but I knew that if I did things would become extremely awkward. Instead I nudged him with my shoulder and continued to walk and talk with him down the streets.

When we arrived at Starbucks, I was blasted with a wave of heat and the smell of coffee beans. I took off mine and Phil's jackets and went to find our usual table by the window; empty as always. We ordered our drinks and the were ready quicker than normal, though it was probably because the barista was checking me out. She wrote her number on the side of my cup, but I ignored it and just smiled back. Phil was playing crossy roads on his phone and disregarding me, but I didn't mind. I love to watch him play as he does this adorable face of concentration. And when he loses, he makes a little "Phil noise" as I call it that basically consists of a faint, high-pitched shriek. Too cute.

I looked out of the foggy window and thought some more about how Phil and I were _just_ friends. I didn't want to be just friends, but I couldn't do anything about it. God, I loved this man and all I was able to do was sit in silence and suffer. _If this is love, I don't want it._

"Do you want to go Christmas shopping?" Phil asked.

"Hmm?" I looked back from the window and saw that Phil had put down his phone.

"I asked if you wanted to go Christmas shopping today. It's in three weeks and we don't have gifts for anyone." He stirred his drink and sipped it. He obviously burnt his tongue but was trying not to flinch so I didn't say anything.

"I was actually planning on doing a video tonight. Do you want to go tomorrow?" I asked cautiously.

"Yeah sure. Am I going to be in your video?"

"Yup. I was planning on it."

"Great." He replied. Phil had been smiling more today, but there was still something behind those crystal blue eyes that he wasn't sharing.

"Can we go out for lunch? I don't feel like going home just yet." He asked.

"Why not? It's a bit early but we can kill time just walking around. I heard there's this new thing called exercise and it's supposed to be great for you." Phil laughed at me and smiled for real this time. A genuine smile that made me happy deep inside. We finished our coffee and headed outside back into the cold. The need to hold Phil's hand was strong, but not as strong as my reasoning. Once again, I suffered in silence.


	4. Chapter 4

**~Phil~**

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. The only other thing we did in town was look at some book shops and have lunch at a cafe, though there was this one waitress with brown eyes that was quite flirty with me. It seemed to catch Dan's eye and for a second I thought he was actually jealous, but he just continued to eat and not say anything. If only I could his attention instead of some random girl.

Back at our flat, Dan went and shut himself up in his room to prepare for filming whilst I assumed the "browsing position" with my laptop on the sofa. Checking tumblr was (as always) very interesting. Dan and I started this game where every time someone calls me a "precious snowflake" or him "meme trash" we get a point and the first person to a thousand points gets an entire day of the other doing whatever they want. I had been winning for a while, but Dan's been becoming more of a meme recently so he's been catching up.

"Phil? You ready?" Dan chimed from his room.

"What?" I looked at the clock and saw that it was already 7 o' clock.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a second."

"Swag." I laughed and rolled my eyes. Typical Dan "Irony" Howell.

*******************************************************************************

"I can't believe you let me draw on your face." I giggled as Dan desperately tried to wipe off sharpie with a moist towelette.

"It's not my fault you went berzerk and tried to draw the whole of the fucking U.K." He pouted. "And I didn't even mess up your face all that bad."

"It might not have been big, but my face was still ruined by your awful drawing of a butterfly."

"I was just doing what the fans want. I would have gladly painted King Kong on your face but there was none of that." He was cracking up with me loudly now, just on the verge of throwing his head back in full body laughter. We continued on like that, laughing at each other's faces and our poor d̶e̶c̶i̶s̶i̶o̶n̶s̶ drawings until it died down and a sense of seriousness filled the air. "Phil, I have to tell you something." Dan looked down shyly at his hands.

My heart stopped. _Is this a dream?_ "Of course," was all I could manage to say.

"Well I-" He cleared his throat nervously. "I um, I broke your lamp."

I could practically feel my hopes plummet down from how high they had been. I thought that maybe, just maybe, things could be like how I always wanted them to. I could freely love this person and he could feel the same; but as always it didn't turn out the way I wanted.

"Really Dan? My lamp? How did that even happen?" I tried to pick up from my fumble and laugh off my disappointment. I think it worked since I received a chuckle in response.

"That's for me to know and you to never know. Ever." He smiled. Dan finished cleaning off his face and went into the kitchen to make dinner, stir fry to be precise. As he sang along to Muse, I collapsed onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling. _I am in love with Daniel Howell._ I thought angrily. _And I need to snap out of it._


	5. Chapter 5

**~Dan~**

_Fuck!_ I burned my hand on the side of the pan I was using to make dinner, probably because my head was somewhere else. I couldn't stop thinking of how my big "tell Phil how you feel" ploy worked worked out. Instead of saying _hey Phil, I've been in love with you for a while now and I never want to see you go_ it turned into "I broke your lamp". How lame could I get?

And to top it off, when we went to lunch, this pretty girl with brown hair and brown eyes was pretty much begging for his attention. I don't remember her name, but I still don't like her. It's not like I can stop Phil from dating whoever he wants, though. He should have that freedom but I still wish it was me.  _Calm down, Dan. It's not like he's fucking her or anything. Just some mindless flirting. No need to be worried._ I poured the food into two bowls and yelled for Phil to come and eat. Together, we sat on the couch and watched American Horror Story conversing about how I got 24 points from the tumblr game today alone. It felt just like how it used to be: normal.

*******************************************************************************

At around 10 o'clock in the morning, I got a text alert from PJ asking if he wanted to go Christmas shopping with him. After a few minutes of thinking, I thought that it would be best to shop with Peej so I could find a gift for Phil without him being there. Pulling on a pair of black skinny jeans and a thick jacket, I left the flat to meet up with PJ after leaving Phil a note on the fridge.

I met up with PJ at Westfield London and we began to shop for clothes. Other than Phil, Peej was probably my best friend. He was really funny and creative and being around him was always the best. I never told him how highly I thought of him, but I think he knew already.

"So I was thinking about moving to downtown London...." PJ trailed off while looking at a green button down shirt.

"That's awesome! Phil and I could see you more often. And it'd be easier to film with more studios around here."

"Yeah that's what I was thinking." He was silent for a few seconds.

"You and Phil, huh?" I stopped what I was doing.

"What about us?"

"Nothing, never mind." He grumbled.

I shrugged it off an looked at some kitten patterned shirts. _Weird._ "So when are you moving?" I asked curiously.

"I dunno. Maybe in a couple months? Not too soon I want to enjoy then quietness for at least a little while." He chuckled.

"Yeah. With the amount of sirens there must be like seven murders a week here. But it'll be great to have another friend so close by." I smiled.

"I really can't wait to be closer to you two." He smiled at the ground.

*******************************************************************************

"PHIL! I'm back!" I yelled as I slammed the door behind me.

"I'm in the lounge!" He screamed back. "Have you seen my wallet? If we're going shopping today I sort of need money."

"No, haven't seen it. When was the last time you saw it?"

"I remember having it at the cafe we went to yesterday."

"Maybe it's still there?"

"Maybe." He scratched his chin. "I'll go and see if it's there."

"Do you want me to go with you?" I asked.

"No, I'll go by myself. If it's there then I can go shopping for you when I'm done." Phil said whilst putting on his coat.

"Oh, alright." I replied. "Have fun on your wallet quest."

"Thanks!" He yelled as he walked out of the flat.

When I heard the door slam loudly behind him, I took out the gifts and started to wrap them. For Phil, I got him a few checked shirts and some stuffed cats. I knew he liked those things. After wrapping the presents, I sat down at the xbox to play Skyrim until my thumbs were sore. I checked the clock which read 10:30. _He's still not back yet? I hope he's not dead._ I shook those thoughts away. _He's a big boy. He'll be alright._ Hoping I was right, I saved my game and turned in for an early night with my laptop. Surly he'd be back soon.


	6. Chapter 6

**~Phil~**

Waking up, I expected a slightly sleepy (and adorable) Dan to be waiting for me in the lounge, but instead what I got was a handwritten note attached to the refrigerator. _Phil, out with PJ to go Christmas shopping. I'll be back after lunch. Don't die without me. -Dan_ I groaned in displeasure as I realized I had to spend and entire day without him. _God, I really am a needy person._ I shuffled back to my room, closed the door, and did a swan dive into my mattress. And the worst part about not being with my Dan was another dream plagued my sleep. Only this time, it wasn't good.

 _Dan and I were sitting on my bed and I just finished telling him that I loved him. He looked disappointed at first; then angry. He yelled at me saying he thought we were friends when I really just wanted to get inside his pants the whole time. He was crying and breaking everything. By the end I heard him whisper "I hate you."_ That was when I woke up in a pool of my own sweat with tear stained cheeks.

I sighed heavily, trying not to think too hard about the dream and trying even harder not to think about Dan. Being in love isn't something I've experienced too many times before and I've never tried to force myself out of it but here I was, crying over a straight boy in my room like a teenager. I decided to do something else instead of mourning my hopeless love life and I began to clean the house. Cleaning calms me, and better yet it wastes hours of time so I don't fall into an abyss of self pitty.

*****************************************************************************************************

"PHIL! I'm back!" Dan yelled as he slammed the door loudly behind him.

"I'm in the lounge!" I screamed back. "Have you seen my wallet? If we're going shopping today I sort of need money." I was searching through the couch cushions for my colourful wallet so I could go Christmas shopping.

After talking with Dan, he helped me come up with the idea of looking for it at the cafe we went to yesterday. Taking advantage of the moment, I convinced him not to come with me so I could buy him presents with him not with me. Checking the clock that read 4:47, I put on my coat and left our flat, walking in the cold winter air.

At the cafe, I saw it was dark inside with only a sliver of light coming from one of the back rooms. I wiped away the frost and looked through the windows to see the waitress with dark brown hair wiping a counter. I knocked on the window loudly to try and get her attention.

She looked up. "Sorry, we're closed." She pointed to the closed sign in the door.

"I need my wallet! I left my wallet in there!" I yelled. A shiver coursed through my veins and I remembered just how cold London in December can get. To my relief, she opened the door and ushered me inside.

"You lost your wallet in here? Last time I checked, the lost and found was empty except for a few keys." She asserted. Her voice was a medium pitch paired with a refreshing crisp American accent. "I can help you look for it, if you want."

"Yeah that'd be nice thanks." I shivered.

"Why don't I get you some tea? You look cold." She walked into the kitchen and returned with a cup of tea. "Here, drink up." I took the cup from here.

"Thanks, uh-" I looked down at her name-tag. "Catherine."

"Just call me Cat." She smiled. "Shall we look for your escaped wallet?" About an hour later and the wallet was yet to be found, but by then it didn't really bother me. Cat was a really funny person and fairly good company to have. Along with tea, she also made some soup for herself and me insisting it was alright since the cooks owed her a few favors. It was now 6:30 and Cat and I were laughing about something we both saw on tumblr when she suddenly gasped and jumped up.

"What is it, Cat?"

" There's a drawer where if an employee finds anything valuable we lock it in there!" She hurried to behind the counter and rummaged through a drawer of coins until finally she found my small and colourful wallet. "Bingo!" She proclaimed.

"Thank you so much! I have been looking for this everywhere. And I really need it especially since I still have to go Christmas shopping for Dan my- friend." I paused before I said the word friend because even saying the truth hurt as much as living it felt.

"Well, Phil. It was nice meeting you and it was really fun hanging out with you. Usually being around this place is super boring. But here-" Cat wrote something down on a napkin and handed it to me. "It's my number. I thought it's be cool to spend more time with you later. You know, when I'm not in uniform." She laughed.

"Oh, yeah. That'd be cool." _Is she trying to go on a date with me? Was this a date to her?_ "Okay. Well then, see you later." I murmured as I walked out the door. I watched as Cat waved after me.

 _Does she actually like me? I wonder if she wants to go on a date- or more dates- with me? How would I tell her that I like someone else?_ These thoughts swarmed my head as I caught a bus to downtown so I could actually shop for Dan.

It took about two hours to buy everything I needed for my friends and family for Christmas, it took a while but it was worth it to have everything done and over with. I took another hour just to clear my head and walk down the empty streets. To me, it was peaceful and sobering. My calm place. When I got back to the flat, I figured that Dan must be in bed already since all of the lights were off. Setting down all of the bags full of gifts in my room, I plopped onto my bed and tried to sleep, praying for no more bad dreams.

*****************************************************************************************************

The next day was uneventful as always, with video games and food flooding my life. What surprised me, though, was that I didn't dream at all the night before. Just pure nothingness as I slept in my bed. It was probably the best I'd ever slept in a while. I was making popcorn when Dan got up and joined me, seeming like he wanted to talk.

"So PJ said he might move to London soon." Dan reported.

"Really? That's nice."

"Nice? It's awesome! We'll finally have a guy friend within walking distance. And he could help us with videos if we wanted whenever the two of us isn't enough." Dan was almost giggling like a school girl now.

"Okay. That does sound great." He seemed really happy. Just then, he made the most adorable look and my heart both melted and screamed in terror. _I hate emotions. Why can't I just be a cyberman?_

"Uh, Phil? Are you alright mate?" He leaned in towards me carefully.

"No! I'm fine. I just need- to go adjust my contacts." I ran to my bedroom and swung the door behind me letting out a quiet sob. _I hate being in love,_ I concluded. _Especially with my best friend. I need a distraction. I need to forget about him._ Out of the corner of my eye, I see a white napkin. When I remembered what it was, I grabbed it and my phone preparing to dial. _Here goes nothing...._


	7. Chapter 7

**~Dan~**

Phil was in his room for a long time and I had the urge to go and see him, not to bother him just to make sure he was alright. He was usually friendly and sociable at least towards me but now he seemed reserved. _I hope he's okay_.

All day today he was acting strange like he was conflicted inside. He was chewing his lip and had random expressions of happiness or solemness which was very odd. When I mentioned PJ moving to London, that threw him off completely. I think he didn't want me to notice the way his eyes watered and voice cracked so I didn't mention it to him; it's not like I had the opportunity to anyway. Since the incident he was locked in his bedroom and wouldn't come out, at least not for a while. When he did, it was almost 7:00 pm and he was dressed in a clean outfit whilst putting on his nicest jacket.

"Where do you think you're going, all dressed to impress?" I joked from the sofa. _Wow, that look suits him. He should dress like that more often...._

"Oh ,yeah." Phil looked down at himself almost like he forgot how he was dressed. "I sort of have a date."

My heart stopped and I felt the world crash around me into a fiery death. _A date? I must've heard him wrong, right?_

"A date?"

"Yeah, with that waitress from the cafe? Her name is Cat, she gave me her number last night." He checked his watch. "I gotta go now, or else I might be late. Later, meme!" He laughed heartily.

"Well, uh. Have fun." I mumbled as he walked out of the door. I sunk back into the sofa, feeling crushed. _I'm too late. It's too late._ I thought sadly. _No, Dan stop being a wuss. It's just one date, right? It's not like they're going to get married tomorrow. He's not taken yet; it's not over yet._ Even so, I couldn't help but feel miserable from the fact that Phil was more interested in some girl he met two days ago than he was in me. _He's straight, remember? He'll never love you the way you love him._

"Shut up, brain!" I yelled suddenly.

Throwing the game controller I had in my hands aside, I got up and walked to the kitchen hastily. I rummaged around in one of the cabinets until I finally found one of the miniature wine bottles I like. _At least Phil's not here to stop me from doing whatever the fuck I want._ Knowing fully well how much he doesn't like it when I drink, I downed the bottled and started to feel a buzz. Wine was great for taste, but not for warmth and comfort. Beer and vodka was usually the way to go. I looked at our stock of alcohol and hesitated.

 _What's one night of drunken sorrow going to do?_ I mused as I opened up another bottle. I knew it was going to be a long night.

*****************************************************************************************************

Sunlight shined directly into my eyes when I woke up the next morning with a beer bottle just out of reach. I sat up and instantly regretted it, as the feeling of being pounded resonated in my head. After massaging my temples for a few minutes, I tried to recall what happened the night before. The drinking was vivid, but remembering when I got to bed was tough. _The last time I looked at the clock it was around one in the morning and Phil still wasn't back...Phil!_

I jumped out of bed and half wobbled half ran into the lounge to see if he was back. At first I didn't see any sign of him. _Oh God, he didn't...with Cat...he wouldn't, would he?_ My breathing quickened. The sound of a door opening and padding feet calmed me out of my worried state.

"Dan? What's wrong?" A sleepy Phil asked as he rubbed his eyes.

" I-uh...." Just when I thought up a good lie as to why I was searching for him, I hurled all over the carpet.

"Dan!" Phil scrambled to my side, careful not to touch the vomit.

"Are you alright?!"

"I'm fine. I just- I think I got sick from some old pizza." I lied.

"Well, I'll get you some ice or something, you're burning hot. Go lay down and I don't want you to move from that bed for a while." He insisted.

"Yes, mum." I tied to say sarcastically but I hiccuped and ruined it. He rolled his eyes and shooed me to my bedroom. As much as I'd like to say I hated being sick, I actually enjoyed having Phil be there for me whenever I needed him. He sat with me for most of the day and we just talked like normal; it was relaxing. The only thing that kept me from savoring what we had was Phil mentioning Cat every now and then. Only two dates and he talked about her like she was everything. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous. She had what I didn't. _This might be more serious than I thought before._ Suddenly the very thought I feared crept into my head.

_What if he falls in love?_


	8. Chapter 8

**~Phil~**

I never planned on anything serious with Cat. I just wanted someone to make me forget about Dan, someone to "rebound" off of. Who better than a random waitress at a cafe I'll never go to again? At least, that was my initial plan.

For our (technically second) date, we went to a proper restaurant that wasn't too expensive but not too shabby either. After only a few minutes of focusing, I realized how different Cat was from Dan. He was shy in public, she was loud. He never liked talking about himself with others, she shared everything. It wasn't bad just- different. The only thing they had in common was their eyes: warm, soft, and brown. Every time I looked into hers I thought of Dan. It comforted me.

Like I said, my plan wasn't to get serious. Just a date, maybe two or three. But there was something about her that made me smile, made me crave her attention and affection. Slowly it was less about forgetting a boy and more about getting to know a girl. I stopped having dreams about Dan and most of the things he did didn't phase me anymore; I guess my plan worked. I didn't love her like I loved or used to love Dan, but I couldn't say that what I felt towards her wasn't that. I wanted to spend every moment with her, get to know her, tell her about me. _Is it curiosity or love?_ Either way, with Cat in my life, everything was better.

I'd been finding more empty bottles in our recycling, from beer, wine, tequila, vodka, and even whiskey. I asked Dan about it and he said that he let our neighbors use ours whenever theirs got full. From what he's telling me that's every night. He's been unusual recently, too. A little bit sadder, a little bit slower. He doesn't want to do the things he normally does. All Dan wants to do is sit in his room on his laptop. Maybe that was part of the reason why it was so easy to fall in love with someone else.

PJ was coming over more often as well. He agreed with me that something was upsetting Dan and spent most of his time trying to cheer him up subtly. I hated leaving him alone, so if I was going out for a date I would call up Peej and ask him to keep him company. I almost felt bad doing it, like I was trying to convince Dan that if I left him, someone else could replace me and I wouldn't care. Now that I think about it, that was basically what I was doing.

No matter what happened with Cat, Dan was still my best friend and nothing would ever change that. I used to be in love with him but nothing makes me happier now than knowing that I got out of it. Being in love with a straight guy is one thing, being in love with your best friend is another. I'm sure that if he knew, he would be glad that I didn't tell him until I moved on. Maybe I'll tell him one day.

It's been three months since I first met Catherine Valdes in a small cafe in downtown London, and I think I might love her. I might not be completely over Dan, since every now and then he will say something that makes my heart melt, but I'm committed to Cat. I love her too, and I don't plan on leaving her now. Maybe not ever. Maybe there's a future with us.


	9. Chapter 9

**~Dan~**

Three months. That's how long Phil had been seeing this "Cat" chick. _Oh it's not too late, Dan. It's just a fling, Dan._ Well I was fucking wrong. This bullshit was brewing and I did nothing to stop it. If I had only told him the way I felt, maybe this wouldn't have happened. But no, I just _had_ to fucking stop myself from happiness because I was too fucking scared. God, am I pussy.

When he started to go on dates with her, I got hammered for the first time in a long time. I told myself it was okay to do it once in a while, except it was no longer rare. At least four times a week, I was getting shitfaced in sadness over Phil and his new happy life, a life that seemed to be better without me. And he was always calling PJ over when he went out, like he was my babysitter. I hated it. It was a good thing he was my friend, or else I would probably murder Peej. I even told him about my situation with Phil, but he promised not to tell anyone. He was a good friend.

On one similar night, I was in my room with the door opened and Phil was about to leave for another date with his girlfriend. I tried really hard not to be bitter, but it was difficult sometimes.

"Another date with Cat?" I asked from my bed.

"Yeah. We're going to the theatre." Phil replied whilst smiling.

"Cool. So...how's it going with you two?" I murmured, not really caring.

He laughed quietly and smiled at the ground. "It's- it's really great. I think she might be 'the one' actually."

I stopped what I was doing and put all my effort into trying not to cry. "That's- that's great, Phil." I choked. "Have fun. Don't be back too late."

"Will do!" He shouted before walking out the door.

When I knew it was safe, I let out a sob or a few. _The one._ Those words rang in my ears and I couldn't block them out no matter how hard I tried. It was officially too late for me, for us. _He loves her. He loves her and not me. I will never call him mine. It's all my fucking fault!_

Just like the new usual, I went to the liquor cupboard and pulled out more than a few bottles. Only this time, I drank in rage instead of sorrow. I wanted to punch something, myself in particular. I hated myself. _Why didn't I tell him how I felt? Why couldn't I just grow a fucking pair and confess my love before this all happened? I was so fucking stupid. I was a child._ The familiar taste of tequila shocked my tongue and burned my throat as I poured it into my mouth. Alcohol helped with the pain, as it always had. When I became old enough to drink legally, I used it as my go-to "sadness reliever". Except that was when I wasn't depressed anymore and I started to like the world. I guess my habits never changed since here I was on the lounge floor drowning myself in liquor.

Almost half of the bottles had been emptied and it was only a few hours since Phil left. I was still aware of what I was doing but the pain was numbed. It was the closest thing to bliss in my living hell. I think that maybe I would have stayed just like that, if the door hadn't opened and someone walked in.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning! (who am I kidding this is AO3)

**~Dan~**

"What the Hell, Dan?" I turned around suddenly to see Phil standing behind me looking confused. "What are you doing back so early?" I slurred.

"Cat had to go early because her friend was having troubles. Now what are you doing? I thought you said you weren't going to start drinking again?" He was speaking softly and I could hear the sadness in his voice.

"Well I guess both of us are disappointed then."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that Cat has what I should! That she gets to see you almost every night and I have to settle for PJ! That I can never and will never have you! It means that I fucking love you and you've gone and fallen for someone else! That's what it means!" I shouted. I didn't realize when I stood up, but I was currently sitting back down on the sofa.

Phil slowly sat down next me. "How long?" He whispered. "How long have you been in love with me?"

"A little over a year now."

He sighed and let his head drop into hands. "Nine months for me."

"What?" I looked at him in shock, not believing what he said.

"I was in love with you, Dan. That's why I started dating Cat: to forget about you! I thought you were straight!"

"I'm gay! I've been gay forever! Even more than Tyler fucking Oakley! I thought _you_ were straight!"

"I'm bisexual! I like both! Why couldn't we have had this conversation three months ago?!" Phil was half screaming-half crying now.

"Well we're having it now." I brought my voice down. Phil and I were close to each other now, so close I could feel his hot breath on my face. His crystal blue eyes seemed so innocent right then, just staring into my dark brown ones. Time almost stopped as I leaned into him and pressed my lips slowly against his. It was soft and slow with just me doing the work until Phil started kissing back. Then he pulled away.

"Dan, what was that?" He breathed.

"Come on Phil, you know what. I know you feel that way, and I know you want to do this." "

But Cat-"

"I don't care about her. I just want you." I could hardly register his facial expression before I was kissing him again. I was attacking his mouth with mine, pressing kisses into his lips but he was reluctant. I was trying so hard to get a reaction out of him when suddenly he grabbed my hips and hoisted me onto his lap so I was straddling him. Phil kissed me back and I couldn't believe that it was happening; so many thoughts rushed into my head but were quickly pushed away by the feel of his tongue in my mouth. Every single pressure his lips put on mine was like fire and I could practically see explosions when he started lifting up my shirt. My hands were roaming his back and I was pressing kisses into his neck showing him how much I loved him. When Phil started to moan I knew I was doing the right thing to him.

I pushed my hands up Phil's shirt and felt his stomach as I sucked on his neck leaving small bruises. He threw his head back when I rubbed at his nipples, obviously his sweet spot. I stopped only for a second so I could lift his shirt over his head, exposing his pale and bare chest. Once that had been done I continued kissing down his neck and onto his chest, stopping to flick his nipples with my tongue.

It seemed Phil was done being submissive when he held onto my hips tightly and stood up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck as we stumbled to his bedroom. He kicked the door closed behind him and pinned me up against the wall, viciously kissing my face and neck everywhere. I could barely even take a breath before Phil was pulling my shirt over my head and trailing kisses on my chest too. It was hot and lustful, and I loved every second of it. I finally wriggled out of Phil's grasp and slid down the wall until I was facing his jeans and I started to undo them. Once I got his erection out of his pants, I looked up at him and slowly put it in my mouth, wrapping my lips as tightly as I could and pressing my tongue against his shaft. I heard him grunt softly as I continued to blow him. Knowing just how to get him going, I pulled him out and licked underneath his shaft starting from the base all the way to the tip. He gasped loudly and I felt almost proud of myself, that I could make Phil Lester make those sounds. He pulled me back up to him and kissed me roughly before spinning so we were facing the bed. Phil shoved me onto the bed before eagerly undressing the rest of my body so I was left in nothing. He climbed on top of me and placing wet, sloppy kisses down my body and to my lower area then stopped to undress himself.

There we were lying completely naked breathing heavily, Phil who was cheating in a straight relationship and me: a gay alcoholic. He kissed my hole softly and I bucked up unexpectedly. He smirked in satisfaction and reached into his jeans pocket for a condom before putting it on, spitting into his hands and rubbing it over me as make-shift lube. As I felt him slide into me, the whole world exploded. It was painful at first, but then again it always was and I knew that the pleasure was soon to come. Few words were exchanged between us whilst we moved with each other as one. He grunted and gasped and I said "fuck" a lot. I orgasmed first, feeling white hot lightning shooting through my system and Phil soon followed, creating a mess all over my chest. He collapsed on top of me still breathing heavily not saying a word. I think we were both too scared to say anything.


	11. Chapter 11

**~Phil~**

_What have I done?_

That was the first thought that came to me when I woke up naked in the arms of my best friend in my bed. I remembered everything that happened so vividly: Dan confessing his love to me, kissing me, me kissing him back, and finally what I did to him over and over again. I had dreamt about doing just that so many nights, but now I wished it never happened. I cheated on my girlfriend. Cat loved me, and I loved her. _Or do I?_ I glanced at Dan and saw him still asleep peacefully, it was only four o'clock in the morning. He had the look of utter serenity on his face, like he wanted nothing but to keeping holding me in his arms forever. I almost hated him for convincing me to do those dirty things with him, but I knew it wasn't his fault. I didn't hate him, I hated what he, no, _we_ did.

When I went on my date with Cat the night before, we talked about getting serious. She wanted me to move in with her and I thought that maybe- just maybe- this was the girl I was going to marry someday. _Now look what I've done,_ I thought. _I've broken what we have in favour of someone I love- used to love._ Everything was so messy. I remember when Dan and I were just friends, nothing more, and I never worried about what was to come of my love life. Instead I fell in love with a boy and his brown eyes, only to crush my own dreams and force a different love upon myself. Then I realized something: this was my fault. If I only told Dan how I felt, we would be together. We would be happy in love and not care about anything else. But I was too nervous, too scared.

 _It's too late now. I am in love with Catherine, not Dan. Should I tell her? No, don't be stupid. You know how she feels about people like this. Then what do I do? Get out of it. All of it. Move on._ I knew what I needed to do. I could never and would never stop what I was doing with Dan if I didn't. _I'm not cheating on her again. She too good for me to do that to her._

Carefully, I slipped out of bed trying not to disturb Dan. I pulled on my clothes, not bothering to take a shower and began searching. In the hall closet, I dug out a large duffle bag and started to pack as much clothes and personal objects I could in it. When that one was full, I grabbed a backpack and put things like my laptop and breakable items in it. I even stopped to take a photo of Dan I still had. It was a picture I took the day we first met. His hair was longer, his skin darker. He still had hope in those beautiful brown eyes. What once was a delicate eighteen year old boy is now a heartbreaking man; and I got to watch him grow up. I was with him for his best years on the ride of a lifetime, but this is where I get off.

I wasn't going to leave him a note at first, but he deserved at least that.  _I'm sorry that we can't be together. You were always a great friend to me. I don't think I can stand this anymore, living with someone I have no future with. I need to move on and so do you. If you love me, you'll understand. You need to help yourself, Dan. I can't fix you and only you can do that. I hope you know that this is for you as well as me. Sometimes love isn't worth it. Goodbye, Dan. I hope I'll see you again someday. Your friend, Phil._  I left the note on the table beside him, drying my eyes as I had started to cry.

Leaving was the hardest part, but thinking about how he would react when he found that I had left was devastating. But it needed to be done. Deep down inside I think Dan knew that too. So with my bags packed, I checked into a hotel far away from what was once my flat and planned what I could of my life. A life with my love, a life without Dan. At least for a little while.


	12. Chapter 12

**~Dan~**

**~Four months later~**

It was different, a life without Phil. Even before I met him, I watched his videos and dreamt about him constantly. Now it's like I barely even know him. When he moved out, it was death for me. I loved him and he couldn't stand to be near me. After what we did that night, I thought that just maybe we had a chance at being together. That maybe he still loved me. But I was wrong, like always.

I couldn't afford to live alone in the flat, but there were so many great memories that I didn't want to move out. So PJ moved in with me. For a while our relationship was me crying to him about my problems and him comforting me along with getting me help for my drinking problem. Now he's probably my best friend.

It's not like I never see or talk to Phil. Sometimes we bump into each other at Starbucks and say hi. Once he even rang me to see how I was doing. It was nice, knowing that he didn't completely hate me. Phil was still my friend, no matter what happened. Nothing could change that, not even my fucked up emotions. On one day in early July, he texted me and asked to meet up at a cafe with him. It was actually the cafe where he first met Cat ironically. I was conflicted on whether to go or not, but curiosity got the better of me.

When I arrived, Phil was already waiting for me at a small booth in the window. He had his head down and I could see that he was playing crossy road on his phone and I laughed under my breath. _At least some things are still the same._ As I got closer to him, I saw that he had changed as well. He had gotten a haircut and looked older if it was possible in the few months I had gone without seeing him. When he finally looked up from his phone, he grinned and gestured for me to sit down with him. As I slid into the booth across from him, he cleared his throat.

"Hey Dan. Long time. How long has it been since we got together like this?" He smiled.

"Four months." I replied, trying to sound as cheery as him.

"Four months. That's a few months too long."

"Yeah, it really is." Silence. "Dan, I didn't want to meet up with you for nothing. I actually have something to ask you." Phil said seriously.

"What is it?"

"I'm getting married next month, to Cat. And I think that it would be best to have you as my best man. You're still the greatest friend I've ever had. No one else would be better to do this."

I couldn't think of anything to say, as conflicted emotions were swirling in my brain. Sadness from his marriage to another person, yet happiness as well. He still wanted me in his life. I was still his friend. Eventually I found my voice. "Of course, Phil. I'd love that."

He beamed at me. "That's amazing. Thank you so much."

"Anything for a friend." I smiled back. No matter how much it hurt, he needed me. And honestly, I needed him too.

*****************************************************************************************************

It was a beautiful, sunny day in August when Phil married Catherine. He wore a black suit and a periwinkle tie, she wore an empire white dress and a smile as she walked down the aisle. I stood right beside them the whole time and watched the love of my life marry someone else, someone better. I think I was happy for them at least a little bit. As long as Phil was happy, that's all I cared about. For my speech, I talked about how I took Phil to the cafe where he first met Cat. I told everyone that Phil was truly the most amazing person I've ever known and that Cat is lucky to have achieved the love of someone such like him. There were tears when I finished, even from Phil. I didn't cry, though. There were no tears left for me. Before they left for their honeymoon in Italy, Phil stopped to talk to me.

"Thank you. For everything." He whispered in my ear.

"I'm just happy that you're happy. You and Cat are great together. I hope you two live a long and happy life with each other." I choked back tears as I told him this.

"You'll find it too, Dan. Trust me. It's hard to find someone who _doesn't_ love you." I glanced over at PJ. "It'll come to you soon enough." He gave me one last hug before he took Cat's arm and lead her to a car in which they would travel to the airport in.

I could've stopped it. I could've objected and fought for my love. There were so many things I could have done to prevent Phil from marrying who I thought was the wrong person for him. But as I watched the car drive away, I remembered the note that Phil left me all those months ago. _Sometimes love isn't worth it._ And he was right, it wasn't. Maybe it was once, when we were too shy to tell each other. Now it's time to let go. It's time to forget that skinny love and remember what it was before that. Remember the friendship and forget the heartache.

 _I love you, Phil Lester. Remember that._ Something tells me he always will. Even if love isn't worth it, his happiness is. I had gotten used to suffering in silence, but I was finally content. Phil was everything, and he was happy. Which means I was happy. And for once, I actually was.

**_The End_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it for this one! I hoped you all liked reading it! There is in fact a sequel, so please check it out if you liked this one! (I promise there's more of a happy ending, but there is a much more intense middle. Also it's longer) Thank you for reading!


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